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Sarah's Journey: Embracing Her Asexual Nature

Sarah, 37: I have not once loved sex. Growing up, I felt defective because people put it on a pedestal.”

The only topic that Cameron and I have ever differed about is our sex life. Upon getting together almost a decade back, sex was certainly something he sought on a regular basis than I did. Around half a year of seeing each other, we opted to experiment with a non-monogamous setup so that he could connect with people who have higher libidos than I do.

Initially, there were feelings of jealousy initially, but our connection was deepened thanks to our strong communication, and I grew to feel completely safe in our bond. This has been a huge blessing for our relationship, as I have never craved sex. As a teen, I felt broken as others put it on a pedestal, but I never really grasped the hype about it.

After discovering literature on asexuality on social media a while back, it was deeply relatable. I was shocked, since at that time I considered myself a sexual person – I enjoy self-pleasure, and I engaged in a considerable number of sex during my twenties. But I feel I engaged in much of that intimacy since I felt guilty – a remnant of being a teenager in a society that implies it’s necessary to satisfy your partner.

The resource revealed to me was that asexuality is a diverse continuum. To illustrate, I experience no libido, including towards people who I consider attractive. I admire their appearance, but I have no desire to be intimate with them. But I do like reaching climax. To me, it’s fun and it’s a way to unwind – a way to settle all the thoughts mentally.

It was extremely empowering to share with Cameron that I am asexual. He accepts it. We sometimes have sex, since I sense intense intimacy as well as bonding with him during those moments, and I am choosing intentionally when I feel the need to be close to him in that way. It isn’t that I have a sexual desire, but there exist other reasons to engage sexually, like desiring emotional intimacy. I observe his satisfaction, and that brings me joy. Likewise that a person who is allosexual can choose to be celibate, I can opt to engage in intimacy for different purposes than being turned on.

Cameron's Experience: Romance Beyond Sex

A 36-year-old man: The fact that sex isn’t the focus doesn’t mean that affection is lacking.”

Sex used to be a high priority to me. It was the source from which I derived a lot of my confidence. I was ill and in the hospital frequently in my youth, so intimacy became something that I believed gave me control regarding my physique. This began to shift significantly when I met Sarah, as physical intimacy wasn’t the central focus between us.

In this relationship, I began seeing greater worth in other parts of who I am, and it reduced the importance of sex. I do not wish to engage sexually with anyone else now either. Whenever I experience the urge for intimacy, there exist different approaches to address it. Solo sex is one, but alternatively going for a stroll, reflecting on my thoughts or engaging in art.

Upon her discovery of her asexuality, I began to realise that intimacy is focused on shared feelings. This can occur through sex, but as well as through alternative ways that are similarly important and fulfilling. I had a specific idea of the meaning of asexuality – if sex was absent, you would not feel arousal. But it exists on a continuum, and it takes time to understand your position along it.

We’ve been together for several years, and simply because intimacy isn’t the main focus is not a sign that affection is lacking. Planning intentional periods for romance is really essential for us. At times we work on creative projects and do them in small portions each day, which is really intimate. Or we plan a date night and go out for a mocktail and a pizza. We snuggle and set goals ahead, which is an act of love. I feel a lot of pleasure from sharing food, and it makes me very content like an post-intimacy feeling.

This aspect has enlarged the concept of our partnership. It is similar to constraining the tools available to you for your relationship – it forces you to think innovatively with your current situation. It challenges you to reflect in different ways. But it did not lessen the love that I had for her in any way.